When Awakening Hurts

[Editor's Note: Below is the record of an interaction that took place on Reddit. It viscerally describes the at times excruciating experience of unraveling the ego, reprogramming the physical mind, dropping victim narratives, and embracing one's true function and identity as Consciousness. It's shared as the transparency and vulnerability may help others.]

[Sarah:]
I have suffered immensely in this life. Every day for months now, I wish to die, and rejoin with source. I am working on the path of the middle way, and while I understand the teachings logically, my own spiritual experiences are mostly precognition and unhelpful at best and weird coincidences at worst.

What I'm trying to say is, if source, the one, is pure light and love why do we suffer so much? I suppose we experience non-bliss, to experience bliss. That if we were with source forever, even eternal bliss and love would lose meaning.

I find this world unbearable. I find other humans cruel and dangerous. I have had an unkind life despite giving and loving for much of it.

I have a therapist. I have had one for years. I am on meds; I have been for years. This aching hole in me is something deeper and I don't know how to heal it. It is unbearable. I am tired of living. I am tired of suffering. I want an escape.

I feel like I need a spiritual teacher but I don't know where to go to find a real person. A helpful person. I have been hurt by so many people.

I feel so insignificant and alone. Like I'm surrounded by NPCS who believe in a work I peeked behind the curtain of; I feel trapped in a dangerous ever-changing experience that never seems worth the candle.

What am I missing?

[Leo:]
I won't share platitudes, just my own experience with wanting to desperately leave the planet.

There is a strange thing that can occur where the more awareness embodied, the stronger the pull to leave this reality and return to the other side. In my own case, the pull to leave became very strong and it seemed that I couldn't look upon the world without noting all the reasons reinforcing why I wanted to exit stage left. I love the planet, but the ways of humanity were driving me insane.

Things began shifting one day after listening to a video by Elan (elaninteractions.com) where the disconnect became clear. I wasn't willing to acknowledge or accept that I chose to be here. While I was in the state of resisting and even protesting at being here, I was essentially putting out frustration, overwhelm, and hopelessness with the earth situation. Correspondingly, I just kept seeing more and more of it as it was what I was projecting onto the mirror of Consciousness.

Once I started accepting that I chose to be here, a strange thing began happening. The pressure began lifting. With that spaciousness, I could turn my attention again back to all the reasons I was here and focus on the positive, beautiful, and fascinating things about the earth experience.

It seems subtle, but when we're in that space of looking all around us and only seeing all the hurt, pain, and suffering we continue to draw in more experiences to see all the hurt, pain, and suffering. It becomes a self-reinforcing loop.

Whether you decide to stay or leave, blessings on the journey. ;)

[Sarah:]
I hate this journey so much. I wish i had a modicum of control so i could force existence to stop forever. Eternal nothingness would be better than this constant ache.

I used to believe that and still do, to a point, that i signed up for this? But clearly it was a horrible mistake. I believe i chose to be here, that I came to create, or give or share kindness or teach or learn or grow.

I just didn't realize that i'm too weak and not good enough to survive it. Im too sensitive. I care too much. I gave and gave and tried my best for 36 years and having nothing I still give, but the love is gone?

I no longer love strangers i fear how they'll hurt me.

I no longer love nature I fear how it will decay me and everything I love.

I no longer seek connection I seek ending the connection and freeing before it can use me, hurt me, or take advantage of ́me.

My soul signed me up for a world that is burning me alive. I am in agony and i can't make it stop and I stay so others don't mourn me.

Im already dead; i'm too afraid to live. I just wish i felt anything but endless grief and despair.

My entire life has been suffering i don't know how to break a loop that reinforces itself so convincingly.

Every experience of happiness i can think of has been punished.

It feels like i'm in hell and because I realized i'm in hell i'm now manifesting more and worse hell and I just would rather cease existing then keep trying and failing to feel joy.

[Leo:]
Yep. All of that. And realizing that anything I say won't be able to speak to the depth of the pain and the agony. In this state of anguish, words become cheap. It's hard when anyone you could or would even think of talking to has no idea of the exquisite torture of feeling like you want to go out of existence – when even the pressure of existing, be it here or elsewhere, feels like way too f-ing much to ask of any being.

Or the days where you feel like you want to tear off your own skin and would do anything you can to just get away from yourself...only to yet again collapse in overwhelm and hopelessness with the feeling of being trapped in a body.

And then there's the deep feeling of betrayal as you wonder endlessly at how the soul can be so f-ing cruel to put what it says it loves through this kind of anguish and torture. And the days where you feel so crushingly alone that no amount of spiritual information, youtube videos, or comments on reddit can help add even a glimmer of hope.

A person (or soul) can stand on the other side of this and call to you all day long, but sadly, when you're deep in the thick of it, even that doesn't seem beneficial or that it will change anything. That said, it does eventually end/lessen/change when you come out on the other side. (when the butterfly begins to emerge from the cocoon). It does, but its a f-ing nightmare going through it and is possibly one of the most hellish experiences. You are literally the caterpillar being turned into a pile of goo and being remade and no joke, its f-ing brutal.

Below I list some things that served me during the roughest moments. Sometimes they helped. Sometimes they were all that seemed to keep me here.

• Scream and rail at soul. Curse, shake your fist, scream at the top of your lungs, threaten to punch it....let the divinity know that it sucks. Rage journal until your hand cramps and can no longer hold the pen.
• Go outside in nature, to your car, a street corner -- wherever -- and just like Drew Barrymore in the movie Easy A - scream FUCK!!! at the top of your lungs repeatedly until you're about to lose your voice. This at least will get the energy moving and potentially wear you out to where you can collapse for a moment in rest.
• Build a scream music playlist. Rock, metal, anything with a good scream or acknowledgment of feeling f-ing crazy.

These were some of my go-to tracks:

• Bring me the horizon - Doomed (Maphra cover)
• Mother Mother - Tracy Bonham
• What Now - Rihanna
• Bring Me to Life - Evanescence
• The Kill (Bury Me) - Thirty Seconds to Mars
• Emergence - Sleep Token
• Diary of Jane - Breaking Benjamin
• Hi Ren - Ren
• Ride - Lana del Rey

[Sarah:]
is there a way to get out? To escape? to stop it? without sucking on an exhaust pipe, I mean.

Ive had 36 years of downs not worth the ups; I don't want to play the game anymore. I want off. Its not worth it. The game is not worth the candle. The love is not worth the sacrifice and pain and violence. Or if it is it needs to give me a sign right now because I feel abandoned, alone, broken, and lost, and endless awful stabbing agony.

I have screamed at god/source/light/soul to help and gotten nothing in response; always.

I've bene crying for three hours; I suppose that's good i haven't really cried since i found my father's corpse in July. I have felt this way for months straight. I long for the end of this world or at least an end to my world; but i don't want a worse life if/when I reincarnate. I want - it all to stop.

No amount of human connection has helped and I love what remains of my loved ones too much to kill myself so that leaves drugs and crime because a life of doing good hasn't helped anything at all, in the least, and i'm tired of being a good person when all my rewards are ash. so my options seem to be trying pot or mushrooms or slashing rich people's tires.

I guess thats better than my brain screaming all the different ways to kill myself while I force a smile and sit through what should be a fun peaceful evening with friends.

[Leo:]
You asked: "is there a way to stop it, to get out, to escape?"

In my experience, the only way "out" is through. Even during the most painful moments, there seemed to be some part of me that was determined to learn what I needed and get through it in this life. That is to say, I didn't want to be in a position of coming back to the planet. Additionally, I had a strong desire to understand the experience to be able to help others navigate it (like what's occurring here).

Before I share more, allow me to reflect back what I've perceived of you based on your responses with me and the others in the thread.

Reflections:

• You are resilient and highly capable. Otherwise, you probably would've left the planet by now.
• You have a strong desire to learn/teach and help others. Reflected in the work that you've done, the situations you've encountered, and the way you've continued to show up through all of this.
• You're exhausted. While that can sound kind of like 'duh, it's important for the human and the nervous system to be acknowledged. You've carried a lot, for a sustained time frame, without breaking...and it's fucking grueling.
• You're a bright light. Based on everything you've shared, the questions you're asking, and the willingness to explore the information that people have been sharing, it's apparent that you strongly desire to get to the other side of this (not just lament about it without making the necessary changes).
• At a deep level, perhaps still mostly unconscious, you know that life doesn't have to be this way. If you didn't know this at the core of your being, you wouldn't be feeling the pain of the gap between this deep knowing and what you've been experiencing.

The next sections contain the direct and unfiltered truth as I read the situation. It can be noted that this insight has been garnered from the direct experience of having felt like you feel and the process I went through to change it.

Prisoner of the Physical Mind

At present, you are a prisoner of your mind. When you come out the other side of this, you'll realize that the physical mind will serve the soul, not control it.

Now let's get specific about what that means and how to change it. At present, you play the same thoughts, beliefs, and disempowering statements on repeat (review your posts on Reddit for a sense of how much you are currently playing this tape). This is creating a loop which feels impossible to break. The reason this cycle continues to perpetuate is because you continue to buy into the belief that it is hard to change the mind, alter one's belief, or control state of being. While it does seem hard when that's the belief accepted, in truth, it can be ridiculously easy.

Old Belief: It's hard to change the mind, my patterns, or my beliefs.
New Belief: It's easy to change my beliefs and patterns. The physical mind serves the soul.

For years, I told myself it was impossible to change my physical mind and patterns. So for years, I stagnated and continued to experience the pain and misery you describe. I continued to think the same thoughts and play the same tapes until I finally decided that beliefs didn't have to be hard to change. With this change in perspective, the resistance to change lifted, and correspondingly, the changes that had felt impossible to make before, began to happen.

[Note: Bashar is a resource for more information on changing beliefs (including the belief that it's hard to change beliefs).]

Playing the Role of Victim

This next bit might sting, but I rocked this for a number of years and can see the pattern clearly. You're currently an ace at playing the victim. In this consciousness (i.e. state of being), everything is being done to you, you are powerless to change any of it, and overwhelm and helplessness are the natural result. You rage and protest at god and soul, and yet no help ever seems to come.

Until the decision is made to release this state of being and assume control and ownership for your life experience, nothing will change. This leads us to the next part where you'll ultimately discover the piece that's been missing and with it your empowerment, sovereignty, and freedom.

Embodying the Soul

At present, you pray, scream and rail at a god/soul/source that you've been taught to think of as external to you. Here's the direct and wild truth:

You are the soul that you've been praying to and waiting for. Right here, right now, as you read this. You are soul.

When we place the soul external to us, we deny our true locus of control. However, reflect on your situation for a bit, if soul creates realities, have you not been creating the exact reality of what's been projected and reinforced for many years?

Can you see that all this time, the soul that you've been crying out to for help is you?

And, can you now see that here, in this post, through your desire, you've attracted the truth and answers you've been seeking?

Putting It All Together

Now we discuss the practical steps for implementation.

The ways to change your situation and circumstances are fundamentally quite simple. That said, it may at first feel monumental and next to impossible. Why? Because you have practiced patterns and habits of thought that are going to feel heavy and hard to break free from. Let that be what it is and hold to the knowing that you can change them and you will pass through this phase.

Additionally, realize that as you make this change for yourself, you will be freeing yourself from the perceived prison of the physical mind and ultimately fulfilling part of your reason for being here on this planet, at this time. You came here to break free from the limits of mass consciousness, however, you can only do that from within human consciousness.

1) Decide that beliefs are easy to change.

2) Make a committed decision to stop thinking, believing, and reinforcing the current beliefs and patterns of thought.

3) Begin to fill your mind and consciousness with the empowering and positive beliefs that will lead to a change in what's being projected and correspondingly what's being perceived and experienced.

4) Be willing to realize that you are soul now. Own it, claim it, and act from that place of knowing. As you study from different teachers, pay specific attention to the language that they use. For example, teachers like Abraham, Bashar, Elan, and Adamus all use language that talks about how you "align", "allow", and "surrender" to what is already you - just waiting to be acknowledged and embodied.

You are the soul you've been praying to.

The disconnect has been that you haven't realized it and have been broadcasting a signal of disempowerment and suffering. Change the signal you broadcast (i.e. align with the natural state of being of soul) and watch as you begin to feel lighter, more empowered, and ultimately come to a place of mastery and wisdom that you'll share with others.

In the audio below, Bashar (channeled by Darryl Anka) describes how the circumstances of life don't matter. That is to say, they don't create materialization of experience. State of being is what creates experience.

Again, projection creates perception. Understanding this, you can reverse engineer your reality:

Determine what you want to experience, and what state of being needs to be projected to materialize it.

Bashar - State of Being Creates Materialization

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